I wake up every morning with the goal of inspiring as many women as possible, to live their purpose and use their unique gifts to do work that is meaningful and fulfilling.
I believe that when women do this, we make a difference in the world AND we inspire others to do the same.
This is how women will change the world for the better.
Do you feel like you are living your purpose and using your gifts in a way that is meaningful and fulfilling?
If the answer is no, I guarantee there are 2 things getting in your way. I also can guarantee you can overcome them without changing yourself, fixing yourself or improving yourself.
Obstacle #1 – People-Pleasing
I looked up some definitions of people-pleasing and they are all very similar but, this one from www.thescienceofpeople.com really resonated with me:
“A people pleaser is someone who tries hard to make others happy. They will often go out of their way to please someone, even if it means taking their own valuable time or resources away from them. People-pleasers often act out of insecurity and a lack of self-esteem”
When I speak to women about their reasons for not leaving a soul-sucking job, I often get responses like “I don’t want to leave my boss in a bind”, or “It wouldn’t be right to just quit – there is so much work to be done” and “If I leave my job, I’ll be letting my family down”.
All of these reasons (and countless others that I have heard) take into account how someone else is going to feel or think about us and, usually results in us making decisions that we think will make other people happy, all while punishing ourselves and making ourselves miserable. So, I want to offer two important thoughts on this.
First – It is never what you say or do that makes someone feel happy. Never. It is always what they THINK about what you say or do, and that is impossible to control. When we go around trying to do things to make others happy we end up in a losing game, feeling frustrated and resentful. Why? Because actions, or what we say and do, do not create feelings. Actions create results. Our THOUGHTS are what create our feelings and so, no matter how much you try to control what others feel (by doing things you think will please them), you will never be successful unless you can change how they think. And this, in my experience, is almost impossible.
Second – people-pleasing tends to go along with the belief that making others happy is “good”. That putting other people ahead of ourselves makes us a “good person”. I STRONGLY disagree. What is good about putting someone else’s needs, or values, ahead of our own? Only to be angry, resentful and miserable because we aren’t honoring ourselves and our needs? This type of behavior actually enables dysfunctional relationships and increases resentment because we are constantly ignoring our own wants to please someone else, and then, subconsciously interacting with this person from a place of resentment. What if putting your needs and wants at the top of the priority list is “good” for everyone? The way I see it, it does no good to stay in a job you hate, while lying to yourself and your boss, even if you are still performing well. It is likely impacting how you show up in your relationships at work, and at home, because when we are doing work that sucks the very life out of us we have very little to give to those around us. AND it causes us to literally hate ourselves….because we aren’t living from a place of authenticity – we aren’t being honest with ourselves and that’s one of the most depressing, lonely places I have ever been.
What if you reframed people-pleasing as “not honoring yourself and your relationships” – what decisions would you make then?
Obstacle #2 – Self Doubt
Self-doubt or not believing that we are capable of doing something, is a dream killer. No one who has ever gone after their passion and succeeded thinking things like “I’ll never be able to do this” or, “I’m not going be able to figure this out”.
And, when we think things like this they feel SO TRUE. But they aren’t the truth- they are just THOUGHTS. And they are very normal, human thoughts, triggered by our primitive brain that wants to keep us safe.
Master Life Coach and my personal mentor, Brooke Castillo explains that “Your brain does not produce self-confidence naturally – it produces fear, worry and doubt. You have to work against your humanness, your programming and your beliefs and your thinking. You have to train your brain to produce self-confidence naturally”.
So how do we do this?
We MUST get comfortable feeling things like fear and disappointment, as opposed to resisting, avoiding, or reacting to them. If you can feel fear – if you are WILLING to feel fear – then you don’t need to protect yourself by not doing things that induce fear. When we realize that the worst that can happen to us is a feeling in our body, we are much more willing to take actions that will get us closer to our goal.
This doesn’t mean that we are no longer afraid – it just means that we KNOW we are capable of feeling difficult feelings like fear, disappointment or shame and that it doesn’t mean something has gone wrong. It is actually just are human brain stepping in to protect us – like it was designed to do. There is nothing wrong with you.
What if you accepted that fear and self-doubt are just natural things that the brain focuses on to protect us? And, what if you could feel fear and self-doubt and still move forward with pursuing your passion and purpose – what would life look like then?
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