I remember the first day my body sent me a message that something was terribly wrong. I was sitting at my desk and all of a sudden it was like something was banging inside my head, over and over and over again. It nearly knocked me out.

I was terrified to say the least…what the hell just happened? And then it happened again. And then a third time. All within a span of about 5 mins.

 Something was wrong.

My co-worker drove me to the hospital where I was admitted almost immediately. I spent the entire day there and they did every test known to man on me…and found…nothing.

Nothing? This can’t be possible, I thought. Something was going wrong inside of me…I felt it. But, after hours of tests and no results they had no reason to keep me and so they sent me home.

Over the next few days I struggle with what I can only describe as “vibrations” that constantly ran inside my head making me feel foggy and unable to focus,  coupled with a tension that every few minutes got so severe it felt like I was going to black right out. I had no idea what was happening.

And then my sister suggested I see a chiropractor and I thought, why not – it can’t hurt.

It wasn’t 2 mins I was lying on that adjustment table when he said, I’m going to have you move to a private room. Ok, I thought, this can’t be good.

When I got in there he asked me how I was and if there was any stress going on in my life. I broke down in tears. A failed relationship coupled with a job that felt unsatisfying and overwhelming had done me in.

He let me know that my nervous system had collapsed and that basically it was no longer capable of dealing with the stress.

Fuck. I had finally done it.

In that moment I made a commitment to myself to do things differently. I started a yoga practice, journaling, meditation, and practiced expressing my true feelings (aka. being vulnerable).  I also saw the chiropractor 3 times a week and got a deep massage once a week.

I kept this all up for almost a year and felt nearly 100% healthy again.

But slowly I stopped doing all those things – to be honest, it wasn’t sustainable. And slowly, all of the nervous system symptoms returned.

It has been a long road to healing myself, and I am still not fully there. Years of just “pushing through” because I thought I should…because I didn’t want to be seen as “lazy” or let anyone down, has taken its toll. But I finally feel like I understand what it means to care for myself.

It means not working at a job that feels soul-sucking. Not putting in hours and hours oof effort each day to work that feels meaningless and even worse, misaligned to what I value.

It means not pushing through and taking breaks and rest when my body tells me it needs it (yes, sometimes that means napping during the day, or going to bed an hour early).

It means listening to MY voice – the one that knows best for me and not concerning myself with what others think of me- I’ve come to accept that what others think of me is neither my problem nor my business.

And finally, it means having the courage to bet on myself – to believe that I have what it takes to live out my most authentic, fulfilling life and be prosperous, without sacrificing my health.

I believe this is possible for you too.

I am still healing and if I can help prevent even one person from experiencing the physical and mental effects of “pushing through” or staying in a job that feels meaningless and soul-sucking, well, then I’d say I have done what I came to do.

So next time you feel like you are at the brink of breaking down ask yourself – what is it costing me to stay in this job?

The answer might be your health and I’m telling you from experience…it’s not worth it.


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